Divorce wreaks havoc. On everyone involved.
I don’t think anyone would disagree with that.
I know many divorces are not wanted by both parties. I know sometimes they are necessary due to horrible abuse. I know these are wild generalizations, and that not all of these will apply to every family, so please don’t send me hate mail.
I am not an expert. I am not a child psychologist or a mental health professional. But from my own experience and from talking to others, here is what I have learned.
- Little children tend to think it’s their fault. “If I’d kept my room a little cleaner.” “If I’d been quieter.” “If I didn’t cause so much trouble.” In short: If I’d been better. Older children will often think they could have prevented it, or should have seen it coming, and even try to fix it.
- It’s not any easier on them if you wait until they are older. In fact, in many ways, I think it’s harder. If it happens when you are young, it just becomes a fact of your life. You have time to adjust to it and accept it before you make other major transitions in your own life. If it happens in your 20’s, your entire life is changed. Watching the family home and being divided and packed up truly shatters your world, no matter how old you are. You literally cannot ever go home again. Not to mention it’s difficult to plan for your own future when everything you know about the past is being ripped away. See #3.
- If you wait until they are older, it will significantly affect their own long-term relationships. If your parents divorce when you are thinking about marriage, it’s very easy to wonder, why bother? “If their marriage failed, if half of all marriages end in divorce, why should I even try? I don’t have a chance.”
- Divorce is almost always a shock to them. If you have hidden your marital problems, then suddenly announce you are divorcing, can you then be surprised that they don’t understand why you are breaking up? I’m not saying you should have all your arguments in front of your children, but a little warning never hurts.
- It will affect your relationship with them. It just will. I can’t explain it.
- Saying “I still love you, I just don’t love your father/mother anymore” doesn’t help. It makes it worse. “If you stopped loving him, how do I know you won’t stop loving me?” You promised—you made a vow before God—that you would always love her. Then you just stopped. You can promise you won’t stop loving your children until the cows come home, but a tiny part of them will never believe you.
- Saying “It will all be OK” is a big, fat lie. It will never be OK. It will be changed forever. There may be a new “normal,” but it will never be the same. It may be what you expected, but it will never be what they expected.
- You should expect shock, anger, disbelief, profound sadness, even withdrawal. And you must give them time—often lots of time—to work though those emotions.
- Don’t ever make them choose sides. Don’t ever tell them all—or even one—of the bad things their mother/father did to you to justify your decision. Don’t make them go to court with you to back up your stories. If at all possible, if both are willing, they still need to have a relationship with both parents, and no matter how much you hate your spouse, you should encourage it. Even if your children are now adults, this should go without saying.
- It will make them question everything they think they know is true. They may question their faith, God—even if there is a God, the meaning of love, the value of life, what they want to do in life, what matters and what doesn’t, what’s right and wrong—everything.
In short, it hurts more than you can possibly imagine. However much you think it will affect them, double it. Then double it again. And you’ll just have an inkling of the beginning of the pain.