I love the TV show Castle. I love the mysteries they solve each week. I love the logo, with the pen that slices down into the A, releasing blood, that looks more like a book cover than the opening of a TV show. What I don’t like is the unrealistic way they portray the life of a writer—the way he rips off checks for tens of thousands of dollars, attends champagne-filled book launches (paid for, of course, by his publisher), and rarely seems to write.
I watched two moves this weekend that happened to have protagonists that were novelists. One was a decent movie from a book by John Patterson, called Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas. It was Patterson’s first romance, and it was a tear-jerker. In it Matthew Harrelson is a writer who, after eight years of rejections, finally receives a contract for a book of short stories. Now I’ve been told collections of short stories are notoriously difficult to sell, but we’ll leave that for now. The unbelievable part was that Matt was supposed to go into New York from his home on Martha’s Vineyard once a week for ten weeks, so he could go over one story at a time with his female editor in person. As an already successful author, Patterson knows that editing is almost always done electronically these days, but it was necessary for the two to fall in love.
The other was a Hallmark movie I refuse to name because I refuse to admit I watch them on a routine basis. The main character was a writer who again had received dozens of rejection letters. After buying a self-help book, she writes a novel about her perfect boyfriend, which a high-powered literary agent wants to publish (??). Then a string of even more outrageous events follows. The agent
- says the book “reads like a memoir” and cannot be sold as fiction.
- apparently will have this book on the shelves within weeks. I guess our tall, young, gorgeous author has no need for an editor, and the book has no need to actually be printed. It will just miraculously appear.
- says all the bloggers and reviewers to whom she’s sent the book think the boyfriend is real, and so will the readers, so therefore there must be a boyfriend.
- hires a male model (which she refers as “eye candy”) to portray said boyfriend when the author cannot produce one
- gets the writer a local book signing (OK, I’ll buy that one), and various interviews, and then …
- books the author as a main speaker at a national booksellers expo. As a debut author!
Oh, she also repeatedly threatens to sue said author for breach of contract whenever the writer balks at the idea of faking a relationship, since showing up without the boyfriend at these events will harm sales, even though the sales have already gone through the roof in the first weeks the book has hit the stores.
Well, obviously, my agent has been slacking off.
She didn’t get me a national speaking gig. Or any eye candy.
Or even any candy.
I might have to do something about that.